The Coffee Order Crystal Ball
Our 2026 predictions.
According to Larry David, you cannot say Happy New Year anymore.
I’m sure many of you (and your coworkers) will be in violation of this today.
What it is not too late for is 2026 pop culture predictions. I enlisted my dear friends and family to help me come up with what we think could go down this year, from engagements to cancellations and DWTS casts and everywhere in between.
Dancing With the Stars Season 35 Cast Members
Brittany Snow
Whitney Rose or Angie K from RHOSLC
Grace Ann Nader
Colton Underwood
Winner of The Traitors
Donna Kelce
Johnny Weir
Tiffany Mitchell
Which influencer will be next to make a brand
Kit Keenan
Throwback trends that are coming back
Dangly earrings
Skater skirts
Combat boots
Bowen Yang’s next plan
Oh, Mary!
Crazy Rich Asians: The Musical
Biggest cancellation
Someone on the Euphoria press tour but not Sydney Sweeney.
Where in Europe people are going to go over the summer
Portugal
Toes in or toes out this summer
Once again, toes out.
Celebrity romances (engagements, pregnancies, etc.)
Engagements:
Devon Lee Carlson and Duke Nicholson
Bella Hadid and her Texas Cowboy
Glen Powell and Michelle Randolph
Megan Thee Stallion and Klay Thompson
Pregnancies:
Dua Lipa and Callum Turner
Hailey and Justin Bieber
Monica Barbaro and Andrew Garfield
Suki Waterhouse and Robert Pattinson
New Love:
Khloe Kardashian and someone (it’s about time)
Kendall Jenner and Ben Gorham (semi-confirmed already)
Michael B. Jordan and someone
Lily Allen and someone
Most popular New York City neighborhood
FiDi (I don’t want that to be true but it is)
Next face lift
Reese Witherspoon
Viral moments
First 6/7 (June 7th)
America’s 250th Birthday
Euphoria Press Tour
Trisha Paytas on The White Lotus (semi-confirmed)
These were fun and also hard. I’m seeing a lot of people make their own renditions online (shoutout to Girlboss Town who makes my favorite every year), and I was afraid of subconsciously copying them.
My last days of “winter break” were spent binging movies, catching up on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and venturing into the cold sparingly. I have high hopes for this season of Beverly Hills, which should mean something to you all considering I’ve been very pessimistic about all Housewife Franchises as of late. Dorit being concerned about finding love seems like a fish being concerned about finding water—it’s gonna happen, honey.
Since we last spoke, I’ve watched Oh Hi, Conclave, Ex Machina, and Uncut Gems. Ranked in the order of my favorite to least favorite, I would say:
Uncut Gems
Oh Hi
Conclave
Ex Machina
This was surprising to me because I do love weird and freaky things like a sexy cyborg being kept in the basement of a billionaire. Watching Marty Supreme before I’ve ever even seen Uncut Gems was also interesting, because everyone has been saying they’re basically the same movie when they’re really not. I loved how Uncut Gems blended real-life people like Kevin Garnett and The Weeknd with fictional characters, and the lack of a happy ending was not something I saw coming. I also loved Oh Hi much more than I thought I would. Molly Gordon and Logan Lerman do a masterclass in overdramatized modern dating rituals, in such an exaggerated way that was hilarious. It was also short and sweet—my favorite type of film. Tonight while I make this soup, I’m going to watch Him and maybe squeeze in Bulgonia.
I stretched my shopping legs for the first time this year and bought my favorite LA Apparel pants in black, an essential purchase, and a few things from Sephora. I’m obsessed with the Fara Homidi Lip Compact that I got because all of the Substack Cool Girls™ have it ( Emily Sundberg, Allegra Samsen, Grace Dougherty, etc.), I wear the shade Nude 1, and also tried the Westman Atelier Eyeliner for the first time, which I would recommend.
I’m excited to go back to work. It’s about damn time. Monday has a sort of back-to-school atmosphere for me, since the first half of the day will consist of catching up with my coworkers/friends and remembering what it is I actually do every day. It’s officially a new year everyone, let’s act like it.